Posts Tagged ‘360’

Why Bayonetta is way more Badarse then Kratos.

March 28, 2010

First things first. Yeah I said BadARSE. Why? Cos I’m fucking British that’s why.

Right back to the subject at hand. So God of War 3 has landed to much praise and excitement, and has probably cemented itself as a classic title.

Or is it? Sure all the hacking and slashing and fucking bosses the size of buildings is amazing and what not, but is the main character as amazing?

The short answer is, no. The slightly longer answer is, fuck no. You see earlier in the year Bayonetta was released. A game that blew a lot of minds because of how fucking amazing it was. It ticked all the boxes. Awesome graphics, Amazing gameplay, Astonishing soundtrack and an Arseiful (did you see what I did there? I combined the word “Arse” cos she has a nice arse and “Beautiful”) main character.

God of War has Kratos, whose Bald, Boring, Bulky.

Bayonetta has a better range of attacks/weapons then Kratos.

She has the ability to strap guns/shotguns/rocket launchers to her fucking feet. Kratos has two fucking keys on  long key chains that he flings around the place like a child hyper on coke (powder or liquid). Sure he rips people in half and baths in there blood like some sort of sick vampire wannabe fucking goth, but Bayonetta has hair that turns into fucking demons and shit!

Bayonetta looks hot!

Her clothes are made of her hair and no she’s not part Indian, when she summons demons from her hair, she gets naked! BEST! Kratos on the other hand looks like some sort of confused cross dressing emo. Look how fucking pale he is for fuck sakes! Always whinging and whining about some sort of shit that’s not really important, all whilst trying to look manly in a skirt of all things.

Bayonetta has better chat!

Bayonetta:

“I will, how do the Americans put it? oh yes, ‘Bust a cap in yo ass.’
“I feel like a fucking celebrity in this town”
“Come now chesire, look at me, do i look like i have any interest in children? well, making them, that’s another story.”
“There are two things I can’t tolerate. Crying babies and cockroaches…Though I suppose a crying baby cockroach would be truly terrible.”
“Don’t fuck with a witch.”

Kratos:

“By the gods, what have I become?”
“The monster you created has returned… to kill you!”
“God of war. I haven’t forgotten you. For what you did that night, this city will be your grave…”
“Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It`s haunting how I can’t seem…
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal

Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real
(There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface)
Consuming, confusing what is real
(This lack of self-control I fear is never ending)
Controlling, confusing what is real.

See? Boring drivel!

Bullseye!

March 1, 2010

Destructoid’s Jim Sterling recently wrote a piece on why Deadly Premonition is better than Heavy Rain. This snippet sums up it up nicely, and for once I can’t argue.

“Twenty dollars for a twenty hour game full of hilarity, versus sixty dollars for a six hour game full of Quantic Dream creaming its jeans over how clever it is. You do the math! Actually, no, I’ll do the math for you because you’re probably a PS3 fanboy and hence a fucking idiot. The math is that Deadly Premonition is better and that you’re a cunt. That is the math.”

I salute you sir.

Last week’s US Top 10 Videogames. Scores*

February 22, 2010
Notice that I’ve pretty much just copied inversepanda’s idea here.
1. BioShock 2 – 360 – Bioshockingly meh this title seems to me/10
2. BioShock 2 – PS3 Bioshockingly meher this title seems to me/10
3. Wii Sports – Wii (duh) Wow this is amazing…..people still buy this?/10
4. Dante’s Inferno – PS3 The only badass Dante was the one that made Devil’s Cry/10
5. Dante’s Inferno – 360 The only badass Dante was the one that made Devil’s Cry/10
6. New Super Mario Bros. Wii – Wii (Wow really?) – If it was bundled with 3 friends and unlimited Alcohol it’ll be the best game ever…part from Brawl/10
7. Mass Effect 2 – 360 – Meh Effect 2/10
8. Wii Fit Plus – Wii (No shit) – Proof that Fat people are gullible/10
9. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 – 360 – Got bored of it after 2 weeks like I said I would/10
10. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 – PS3 – Got bored of it after 2 weeks like I said I would/10
* I haven’t even played most of these games, but it’s more fun to be ignorant.